May 2005

doggy love

14:33 5/11/2005

I've guided a few souls across the gulf over the years. it's a quiet talent of mine.

There's this world, visible in fuzzy black and white as if mostly blind, more sensed than seen after death. Folks who are thinking about you, they're brighter than the rest, but again, fuzzy and greyscale. Then there's this wide black fuzz where there is almost nothing, just a few sparkles of light, scattered like starshine on broken waters. A soul has to step onto it, like walking on black clouds, confidently, and peer hard across and through it to the moonshine disk of the doorway way over there on the other side. Towards this a soul must reach, very definitely, till the attraction takes over and they're pulled in and towards it, wherein the disk becomes the whole and they are surrounded by the light. From there, it's all speculation for me because this is where only the dead may see.

I like to imagine it as a great shining library of lives. Potential lives from which you can select another lifetime. Categorized into every detail, from species of life form down to nature of the life, be it short or long, hard or easy, rich or poor, healthy or ill. The soul can choose something like a short, easy life, perhaps a sparrow in a large city full of food or a deer in a national park, for instance, and retain past life memory even, and be accessible to loved ones who are elsewhere in the world while living this life, able to psychically travel back and seem as a ghost or presence to people while you wait for these loved ones to follow you on, and then your short life ends and you join them in a new human life to continue loving, like with soul mates, or you move onto another life entirely, like if they're children you watched over. Or you might move on into another life after a loved one has healed and moved on with their life. Maybe you'd even come back into their life as a child. When you take on a new human life, most of the time you surrender your active memories though not the character you've developed from previous lives. To live a life with memories of past lives most often is detrimental to the lessons and experiences of that life. I like to think my first dog has been returning in subsequent dogs to stay by me, that she was at one time a human servant to me or even a slave, that she is my soul servant, somehow, a soul bonded in love and service to mine. :-)

whine and cheese party

00:02 5/3/2005

It doesnt' get any easier. It feels as crappy now as it did when I was six. I'm so fucking lonely. I want friends. I want to be wanted. For my company to be valued, not tolerated. I don't know what else I can do. I feel so utterly unwelcome and rejected it's tearing me apart. I can't even go to anyone for understanding. The only people who will listen are strangers and that doesn't last long before they're telling me just to think positive about it. I tried that, goddamnit. Ten Fucking Years of telling myself pretty little lies and I"M STILL LONELY!!! Oh they don't tell you anymore "you bug me, I don't like you" the way they did as kids, but when they don't call you up to invite you, when they forget about invitations or just refuse time and again with one reason after another, isn't it the same goddamn thing?

And my brilliant fucking idea of trying to present as a man? yeah right. Dream on Chickee. Went out dressed my butchest today and all it got was those "what the fuck?" looks from strangers on the street. I still got called Ma'am by store clerks. Only now everyone was wondering what's wrong with me. You know, like when I did the punk artist trip. Or the hippy trip. Only time I didn't get those looks is when I didn't do any trip at all, being myself as everyone advises. Of course they still don't LIKE me, but hey, at least I'm real, right? I feel so stuck.