May 2007

taxation fury

I just need to express my utter fury. The govt. billed me for the GST rebate I recieved in 2006 as based on my 2005 income, stating that as I'd gotten married in 2006, my 2005 income was in dispute. I was expected to submit my husband's 2005 income. Now, keep in mind we married in May, the end of May. It's entirely plausible that we met for the first time in January of 2006. Under what insane logic does it follow that his income influenced my income in 2005?? Bloody infuriating!
Now, the $204 bucks isn't a hardship, we could afford that. It's not about that, it's about the very nerve, the idea of it. The assumption that a grown woman in the 21st century's single income is at all affected by a man's income the year previous to her marriage! GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! I would love to know where to go to fight this one. Whether I win or lose my personal case, it's just too insane to stay on the books. I think it's time to write my MP for starters.

pursuit of happyness

I thought this was going to be a comedy! Oh it most certainly was not. I wept so hard. I wept again the second time I watched it in the morning before the rental expired. I remember those days. I too hit the world of adulthood in the nasty 80s. Fashion and style had gone to hell, the economy had gone to hell, and the common man had lost most of his decency. I couldn't get work doing anything, not even grunt work. I was female so that killed a bunch of low skill options. I was math impaired and couldn't stand stress, that killed a lot more, then I was socially retarded. I never had a chance!
I never wound up homeless, I had being a pretty young white girl on my side. I was good looking, fit, energetic, bubbly at times, and had good manners and diction. My posture too was good and I kept up my grooming. This assured me of just enough to stay sheltered without resorting to crushed ethics and morals.
All the same, I was damned poor. I've been poor a long time. I've gradually climbed from desperate to merely impoverished by hanging onto whatever I got, taking care of my things, and taking every useable opportunity that came along.
Right now I'm not poor. Dan came through on his promises to be a husband to me and I'm married and he's working hard with me and we have enough to live well. We're still poor by the standards of many in our peer generation but by my standards, we're rich.
I remember though, I'm watching this movie and recalling my own poverty. I think the worst was on christmas day, walking around seeing lighted windows with happy families feasting and opening presents. That hurt fiercely. I did try to do something about it. I tried the usual things, giving what I had to give, sharing christmas with a family, and volunteering. My social disorder ensured that this wouldn't work. In giving my gifts were too meager to rate any appreciation and the cost to me was far greater than any benefit. In sharing with a family I witnessed first hand what I didn't have. When people did reach out, their pity and charity shamed me to my core. My inabiliy to socialize killed volunteering. Instead I learned to bypass the christmas ritual. I decided to cut it from my cultural expectations. You don't see moslems, hindus, sikhs or jews agonizing over christmas presents! Instead I adopted Yule and worked to make it a sacred thing, instead of a social thing. That finally worked.
I admire Chris Gardner. I truly do. He earned every moment of comfort he now enjoys and he still reaches out with all the energy he has to spread his fortune as widely as he can. He reaches back to those who gave him a helping hand and gives them a helping hand. He hasn't got some crazy idea that it was only hard work that got him there, he knows it was also the kindness of others.
You get breaks, you get bad breaks, you get kicks and you get help, but if you don't put your whole self into it at all times, they won't do you a damn bit of good. I never got rich, famous, or otherwise traditionally successful, and I've finally let go of any idea that I might, but I still put my whole self into every opportunity I could find. It kept me out of the soup kitchens and missions. It kept me out of the rehabs and the jail. It got me a home of my own and, eventually, my own little family of pets and a spouse to hold and keep me warm. It's enough, you know? I don't need gold taps and marble basins, just a warm home and food to eat and someone who thinks I'm good to see at the end of the day.

All I want is a room somewhere,
Far away from the cold night air,
With one enormous chair.
Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

Lots of chocolate for me to eat.
Lots of coal makin' lots of 'eat.
Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet.
Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

Oh, so loverly sittin' absobloominlutely still.
I would never budge 'till spring
Crept over the windowsill.

Someone's 'ead restin' on my knee,
Warm an' tender as 'e can be,
Who takes good care of me.
Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

great link

end of season/job

This was my last full season with persephone. I attended the season wrap party. I didn't tell anyone, but it was because I *hoped* someone might recognize it, do something to mark it. I dunno, a congrats, or a sorry to see you go or something. Some indication that others recognize me as an institution there which is now passing. Of course it didn't happen, but if it was going to, it would have been a shame if I hadn't gone. Dan wouldn't go with me. He promised to, then changed his mind at the last minute. We had a massive row over it. I was so disappointed and furious. Ultimately he won. I mean to say, he never had to admit that it's not okay to say you'll do something just to shut up the argument, then back out and not do it, ultimately rendering it a lie. Just because you say you changed your mind!
So I went to the party in a severe rage and furious. Feeling completely unwanted and out of place. I spent the first hour or so reading in my janitor closet imbibing the vodka and Dr. Pepper I'd brought, getting a bit loaded. I finally calmed down enough to think of something, I went around taking shots of people with my pda/phone that has a camera. This gave me a role to play "event photographer" and a chance to circulate and make noise with people. I fetched up in the smoking room. Last place I wanted to be but the pop bottle was in there in the fridge and the folks I like invariably are smokers. One person I hadn't seen in years turned up. Vesti. Vesti is a lovely singer, truly has a lovely voice, and we traded hellos. She spent a lot of time talking with me. That was what I needed to feel allowed to interact. Eventually she got into it with someone else. As usual I left hoping it was a natural flow rather than having had enough of talking with me and leaving with a sour taste in her mouth. I'll never know of course. I'd rather not, really. Anyway, I'm thankful to her for breaking the ice for me and I fetched up in the smoking room drinking champagne with a couple of set designers yapping about... I dunno, but I finally had fun and got borderline overloaded. Much drinking! Finally we realized everyone was gone and the cleanup folks (not me, LOL) really wanted us to let them be last in the building. So up on my bike I went, occasionally weaving drunkenly. When I got home and tried to get off the bike I took a harmless tumble, rolling with the fall and recieving not even a dusting on my shoulders for it.
In the morning, after the hangover got drowned with a gallon of water, I laid into Dan. Yelling and yelling. Got really upset. He got upset. We yelled. I yelled while he just waited for the storm to pass. I finally decided on a way he could mollify me by reading the book our couple's therapist got us to buy. I won't get into that stuff. It's hard enough telling anyone we're getting counselling. Why we're getting it is NOT open for blogging! At any rate, he read it and then I started to read it. I got pissed at the therapist when I realized how utterly fucking narrow and useless the content of this overpriced toilet paper was. I am going to tell her we'd like a referral to another therapist. I'll figure a nice way to say it, but she's really had zero positive effect on the matter that brought us to her office.
So we're done fighting but the fight about coming along to these things will come again and again. I so much want him by my side when I'm socializing. Hell, I told him all weekend about it, telling him why I was so happy to have him come with me! He just doesn't get it. I got a massive headache. Probably counts as a migraine although I'm not sure if volume of pain alone qualifies. I had this Tylenol Extra Strong pill I was saving for something like that. A hangover followed by a crying headache really seemed appropriate. I think it made the day liveable. I, however, was pretty much useless for anything. Well not everything, I did get petey's cages and the litter boxes cleaned and such like.
On the upside, I was so dehydrated that morning I only weighed 160#s. LOL That's the lowest yet! This morning I was back up to 162 but that's good because I've been having trouble staying down from 165 and this means I may have cracked that plateau and started losing again. I will be happy to see the fifties come along! Oh it's so tantalizing. The numbers seems so small. It's only five pounds here and there, right? Yet it can take SO long to get there! I'm so very very impatient to feel slim and strong and light again. To dress up my body with pride and go out looking sexy again. To feel sexy again.