May 2008

anger and ego

I'm starting to grasp a concept I've heard of but didn't understand. That all anger is ego. Well, maybe not all. Or maybe.
Dan is a very angry man. He's a gentle man so it's not a hazard, but he gets angry far too quickly. He starts muttering, progresses to swearing aloud even when the parrots are sleeping, and will go as far as being rough with inanimate objects or chasing a recalcitrant rabbit displaying rage. I've had to get in the way a time or two because he wasn't thinking and might have been too rough. I know it doesn't sound gentle but when push comes to shove he always restrains himself from doing hurt and harm, and if he realizes his behaviour causes harm, like when he used to "dump" me online every time he got mad and I was able to express how harmful it was, then he stops doing that. So he's not abusive, just angry too much.
Anyway it's got me observing it from the outside in a way I never could with myself. Time and again it's about what's being done to him or not done for him. He responds as though it's personal even when it's impossible to be personal. Then he expresses rage as though he can terrorize an inanimate object, or maybe the universe, into complying with his wishes.
So first step in being angry involves percieving a personal slight, insult, or simply that one deserves what one isn't recieving. Expectations unmet. Then one assumes that frightening behaviour will bring things into line with those expectations.
Sometimes it works. Mostly when you need the burst of energy to force a stuck situation. However, most of the time you just put yourself into an unhappy state. If there's others around they don't enjoy it either. So being angry or "pissed off" as Dan puts it, isn't really all that worth doing. Furthermore, when angry a lot of people, I observe, lose their intelligence. They can't think through anything, their brain shuts down.
So being angry is counterproductive. So one would think you'd want to stop. But there's that ego thing. It's terribly important to each of us to matter and to feel like our desires are important to the world around us. More so for those of us who have been badly disrespected for a long time, as has my husband. That's the tough part. To stop having rages, you have to stop caring so much. Especially about your importance. Yet to not care at all is to lack a lot of otivation to do better, to stand up for yourself and prevent abuse, and to take pride in yourself. So you need a balance between caring enough without taking yourself so seriously.
I'm gradually finding myself able to separate from my anger. More and more reflexively I'm reminding myself that it's not about me, it's just what's going on. Remembering that being angry doesn't fix things and can hamper them. Less and less often I find myself having to turn away from something in order to take a calming break because I don't get upset in the first place. Of course general stress and anxiety makes you more vulnerable to anger. Still, as I grow more calm I also feel better about myself. I like myself better, and I ruin fewer days with anger. After all, after having been angry the tendency is to stay that way because the chemicals in your system say you are angry and the animal brain says "I've been angry so there's a reason to be angry so I will continue to be angry." This can go on a long time if nothing breaks you loose and distracts you properly or uses up the chemicals. Mostly it's adrenaline. Very peculiar chemical really. It is the same chemical that you get when happy, grieving, angry, sexual, or frightened, and how you feel is determined by how your subconcious interprets the context! This means in theory one could switch from anger to joy or sexual arousal or sorrow with very little time, just by switching the perceptions! In practice it explains things like rape, laughing at a funeral, or becoming aroused in frightening situations.
So, anger is clearly a chosen emotion, even if we don't choose it with full awareness. We can become aware of our choice and even recognize the moment of choice, if we accept the premise that we are choosing. Then we can recognize that it's importance is fully within our own perceptions. We can choose not to take our feeling so seriously that we need to impose it on our environment, and thus retain control of our emotions, not merely choke them back when trying to be well behaved. Just remember, not getting angry isn't the same as letting the world walk all over you.