November 2007

history weeps

Have you ever wondered why Canada has legislated the largest damage payout in history? The residential school settlement payments total more money than any lawsuit in history. Do you wonder why? Do you think it's enough, too much, too little? Watch this 2 hour documentary UNREPENTANT: KEVIN ANNETT AND CANADA'S GENOCIDE  Now think again. Is it enough?

Yellowknee DO status?

It astounds me to read that they're considering Dangerous Offender status for Raymond Yellowknee. He's been convicted of no more than three instances of drunk driving. The latest ended in a terrible tragedy of a mother and her daughters wiped off the face of the earth. An onerous crime certainly. Definitely worthy of punishment to the fullest extent of the law. The man should certainly spend a decade at minimum in jail, perhaps longer. But life imprisonment with no hope of bail is unreasonable. We're talking about an alcoholic with a wounded spirit. This is not a killer or a predator. I see images of him and I can see it written in his face. This is a man in severe need of healing, not containment. His is the face of a man who could be much more. I can see that he has a deep soul. He's just an alcoholic of the most extreme sort and when he's drunk the devil takes him. If he could be sobered up and kept sober he would have as much to offer his world as any other, perhaps more. Why then can't we, a great society with so many advancements in the 21st century, offer him the services he needs to achieve this healing? If he was white, would we? He needs alcohol abuse treatment and psychological counselling, intensely. I'm married to a man who was guilty of the same crimes twice as often but being a good old white boy, he kept getting his wrist slapped instead. Granted, he was lucky enough not to take any victims in his wild careens through town, and fortunate enough not to have to steal a car to do it, but otherwise, what difference is there? How many people do you know who have driven when they were clearly too drunk to pilot a car safely? Should they be designated dangerous offenders?
Yellowknee is just a sick man in need of deep healing. He's not a deadly psychopathic predator and that is what the designation is intended to address!
We as yet do not know how to cope with or cure pedophilia, serial rape, and serial murder. The only way to cope with them currently is permanent restraint or execution. This is not true of alcoholism. Many people have recovered from this disease and gone on to be good sober people. It's not enough to dry out, of course, they need to address a lot of psychology. The things that drove them to drink in the first place need to be addressed and resolved. Still, it sounds like we're slamming the door on Yellowknee without compassion or thought. It's not right and the question should never have been considered in the first place. Get that man some first class treatment you cheap bastards!
Good luck Raymond. May the great spirit reach you and fill you with purpose and hope.

able bodied worker turned down

There are employers claiming to be desperate for employees. Help wanted signs sprout like weeds. It's believed that no able bodied worker should be unemployed. Hrm. Sure. So why did Enterprise never get back to me when I so keenly wanted a job few would do? They need part time employees to clean out the rental cars. Seemed like a perfect match for me and I applied. I did all the bullshit required including applying twice, both online through their nutty form, and locally with resume and drivers abstract. Resume for a fucking car washing job!!!! Now that's ridiculous. But it sounded good and promising. I even was referred by a current employee.
However, I'm tainted by a bad job history. Yes, I've never been fully employed for any decent length of time in my life. Reasons don't matter, they don't care. They see that and won't touch me with a ten foot pole. So if it wasn't for my husband I'd still be an able bodied person on welfare.
Don't be so quick to make your assumptions. Not when condemning the unemployed, not when choosing whom to hire. I would have been a very useful employee had they given me a chance. I might yet if I can ever get ahold of anyone there and talk them around. I don't know if I have the confidence to try though. I keep telling myself to try, then I answer that I don't want to hear the response. Right now I can make up excuses why they never called me. If they tell me to my face that I look like a loser and a bad risk, it'll break my heart. To think I'm not considered good enough even for a stupid grunt job like that. It's terrible. I've put a lot of work into feeling good about myself, feeling respectable and included in the world. Something like this can topple that house of cards too easily. It's why I gave up job hunting in the first place. It just depresses me. It's worse being a rejected unemployed bum than being a lazy unemployed bum.

flying parrots

Sam is getting more comfortable locomoting himself around the place. He's got some strange attraction for Freddy's area. I really don't know what that's about. He heads there first thing in the morning and back again most times of the day. He stays there almost all the time. Getting him back to his cage has been problematic with having to spook him off there and then he flaps and crashes near his cage. Lately he's been successfully flying to his stand by the cage instead of crashing around. Still, he needs extreme urging to go. I got him to fly with encouragement a couple times but mostly it took spooking with something. This morning around the time I was going to bring round the morning freshies he actually flew over there by his own volition, neat and swift with a minimum of flapping. He's over in his cage chowing on the tasty things I brought. I also notice that these days when I come have a look everyone quits fighting and backs into their respective corners, keeping an eye on me. I like that. They don't fear me in the sense of not knowing what to expect, but in the sense of knowing when to expect something to expect, you know? It sure makes things easy when the critters mind. Sam is learning, as the others have, that things are fine if you're just doing nothing, and if you don't know you did something wrong, you'll be explained first. I always make sure a critter knows it before I start enforcing. I mean, if he's never been on that shelf before how does he know he shouldn't be there till I tell him? And if I told him once, do I know for sure he understood? Sometimes they need to be reminded and taught a few times, especially if its a passionate situation like fighting with someone or a particularily fascinating obsession. So I don't just land on someone's head and when I do punish to enforce, I never use real violence. I yell, I might even bang things in the vicinity, but ultimately, being locked up for awhile is as bad as it gets. Sam's learning this pretty fast and it does build trust. An animal trusts when he can predict. He needs to know what to expect from you. No surprise mood swings, you know? Negativity always is caused by something that pet did, not by your boss on the phone, or another pet's misbehaviour. If you turn to a pet who's not misbehaving you always must lift your voice and smile and speak sweet. They need to know you're able to love them and control yourself. They need to know you're never negative with them unless they actually are doing something you have taught them not to do!

I don't hold with this current idea that you never punish, never use negative reinforcement. I figure nature uses it freely, other animals use it freely on each other. I figure it's part of animal psychology with most intelligent critters, so why not with me? Thing is, it has to be balanced with positive. More than that, positive has to outweigh it. The animal quits caring if he never gets praised and treated like a sacred creature. The more praise you can lavish the better. Then the reinforcement isn't doing the whole job, it's just speeding up the results and providing a little backup incentive. The praise has to be the primary focus, the primary incentive. It's jus that if you only praise it's also unbalanced and your critter can become a tyrant. Can start disrespecting you and pushing you because he doesn't care about what you think of him. Not everyone lives to please you!

self conciousness

Had trouble on a bird list because I took it too seriously when someone criticized me. The problem is that there's 2 women with the same first name. One is an experienced bird expert, the other a neophyte with less experience than me. The latter was peck peck pecking at me. Criticising me and implying that I was cruel and abusive and just plain wrong in my methods with my birds. Another woman, equally new and surprisingly inept with her own birds, also pecked at me. Then to top it all off, a newbie came along barking at their heels like a chihahau getting in the last word at a junkyard. I didn't quit the list, just took a no mail break. Then tonight I decided to do a bit of archive research and find out just how well things are going for these women with their birds. They're so expert. Have they had a problem bird before? Well, yes, actually, and neither has resolved the issues. I'm into my 2nd problem bird and the issues are rapidly resolving. My methods might be vulnerable to mis-use but they work when applied the way I do.
I don't coddle my pets. I don't spoil them. Sam's problem, simply put, is he's been spoiled by cowardly owners who let him take a tyrant's role and rule the roost, to his detriment. Time and again his meek owners have given up and passed him along till now he's the Lone Wolf, Mr. Independant. He takes what he wants and if he can't get his demands through fast enough he grinds into the nearest flesh. This is unacceptable around here and he's running up against an implacable wall in me. That's resulted in some fights. I've won those fights. It wasn't without some flapping and shouting and angry words from both of us. However, he's learning now that while I can get pissed, I don't get dangerous. I am scary, but don't harm even when at my temper's end. He's learning too that I don't fly from joy to rage without warning, that my responses to him are always triggered by his actions, and that he in fact has got some control over me. If he's sweet, I'm sweet. Simple. If he's rude, I'm cold and if he's obnoxious, I'm firm. He will go in his cage, even if it takes a fight with leather gloves, towels, and determined pulling. In fact I've only had to do any particular method of force once and he doesn't ask for a repeat. That in turn makes it easier every time. Now when I tell him to go to his cage I don't have to force him at all. That means we don't have scenes. It's only been 6 wks and he no longer tries to sneak bite me whenever the chance arises. I don't trust him enough to offer my flesh to his beak, but I'm also not afraid to get up and hang out with him and give him some time and attention.
Sam came here hating me and loving Dan. That wasn't going to work because Dan is out working a lot of the day and Sam won't get much time to see him. Not enough to satisfy the boy's needs socially and for affection and attention. What's more, Dan isn't an experienced critter person. He loves critters and is gentle and patient with them, and forgiving, but he hasn't got the time or patience to learn training techniques. Sam has to come round and treat me like a family member. This is beginning to happen.
Now these women on this list say it's impossible or unlikely enough to be unreasonable, that a bird with a preference and a dislike such as Sam has can be brought round. I'm wasting my time trying to "make him like me." He'll never like me if he dislikes me on principle. Each of them has a bird who treats them or their spouse like crap. They accept that as a permanent situation. I simply think they're wrong. I think first off the bird has to learn that big animals need to be respected because their big animals. I mean, sure, I won't bite him back, won't eat him either, and I want him to feel secure with me, but not till he realizes that aggravating big animals isn't in his best interest! First the respect must be established! He's the little guy. He's the dependant. He's the one with a behaviour problem. I show him plenty of consideration and respect. I pay attention to his needs and wants and when they are reasonable I always do my best to show him I'll go along with it. I try and encourage him to explore, to communicate, to stretch his boundaries and wings. I expect a certain respect in return. I do this with all my critters. Rabbits, dogs, anyone who has the ability to cause pain is expected to restrain himself with others. If I were another parrot I'd return bite for bit and biggest or more assertive of us would be the one in charge. Well I'm not a parrot, but I'm bigger and damn well going to be more assertive. I'm the smarter one and the one who has the resources and responsibility. I'm in charge. That simple. I can't bite him back because it would be too dangerous to his well being. Instead, I lock him up.
These women criticized that. They don't want me scolding him for biting. They don't want me herding him back into his cage. Frankly I'm not sure what they do want because they only seem to be focussing on percieved danger.
You see, it's possible to misuse my concepts. It would be so easy for one with less control and more ego to brutalize the little guy. You have to apply a lot of compassion and empathy with these delicate critters. You can draw a hard line. You can firmly toe it. You cannot take it personally for more than a few seconds and cannot break certain rules of engagement. You must never hold it against them long term and let it change your efforts to inject love into their world. You must never accelerate anything. Not the punishment, not the speed, not the expectations. You can't resent them. You have to find more courage every time they spook you. You have to accept every tiny little effort on their part as though they moved a mountain for you, because they usually did. You have to give them the benefit of the doubt whenever there is any and must remember always that they're not as smart as you wish they were. In fact, you assume they're not even as smart as they look, because they probably aren't. Let them surprise you with their genius instead.
You also need to be very aware of the animal's personality. Each character has it's own needs. You can't play tough guy with a nervous sensitive critter who's main crime is begging for too much love so that they're obnoxious about it (always nosing in no matter what you're doing, interfering with other animals, licking too much, etc.) You have to be organic in your approach. A critter who's trying to be in charge needs a different approach from one who's shrinking in terror in the corner. There's alphas and betas, cowards and fools, strong and weak. Everyone is different and you have to find out who you're dealing with.
I don't follow the rules on someone's website or in a book, I make my own rules and follow them. I've done a heck of a lot of reading about critters in my life. Studied them in university, absorbed documentaries, magazines, books, websites, and gone into the field to get to know any animals I ever had the chance to know. I've studied many systems of training and tried them out. These days I make it up as I go along, like a chef who's done so many recipes he no longer needs them to create. I don't take it well when some newcomer on the scene starts calling me out about my methods, parroting at me the various websites she's recently read as though it's gospel.
I'll be getting snootfulls of spicey african feathers long before those ladies ever get their problem birds to step up and none of my birds will be bald and screaming all day. Sheesh. Telling me what to do like I'm some kid still wet behind the ears and going back after me time and again like they're rescuing my birds from hell.
I'm so mad I could just spit.
Now I will be thinking about my comeback to the list. Do I write a return letter? If so, do I try and say some of what's up there? Do I say I shouldn't have taken criticism so seriously and need to remember that I've got years of experience, education, and even training in animal psychology? Or do I just return and act like nothing happened? I think they need to know though, that I'm not a raw neophyte. I think they need to know I have university experience, field experience, and have taken a course or two in animal training, as well as being an avid student of animal psychology since I learned to read. I just don't know how to bring it up. I did go overboard. With each criticism I tried harder to describe the way I was coping with Sam, dealing with him, to show them thereby that I wasn't doing wrong. Problem is, they just kept reading only what they feared was there because of the one day I had a shouting match with Sam and told the list about it. That was so shocking to the more tender-hearted folks that they just couldn't let go of it. For many people, shouting is synonymous with a loss of control and precipitate to violence. In my past when I was young and got violent, it was always preceded by utter silence. It's when I stop shouting that you need to worry.
These days I haven't done anything in anger that I regretted later for a very long time. I don't. I would sooner go downstairs and ram my head repeatedly into a door till it clears than let myself act out of my anger. Doesn't mean I don't get angry and express it though! Dammit, anyway, you ever watch a parrot cuss someone out? They understand anger and shouting perfectly well! Petey does this almost daily with me, usually over something as trivial as wanting more junk food that I won't give him, or wanting me to stop doing chores and settle down for a longer cuddle fest with him. He screeches, literally flies into a rage and attacks my head with claws and beak. Even so, he doesnt bite down when he gets my flesh in his beak. He used to so I know he can, but he pulls back at that point. Always. That's what I do, and that's what I ask of Sam and expect he'll deliver eventually. For now I'll settle for having him think twice before he reaches out to chomp.
Whew. I don't think there is an end to this rant but there's an end to my day and it's already an hour past, so for now, I'll send this unedited, unproofed, unabridged to the server.

short term breakdown.

I'll be fine in a little while. It's not like anything really serious is happening. I'm just getting tired enough from all the worries that I can't help crying now. I wish there was someone here to talk to but there isnt. First off, the problem isn't that large. Secondly, it's the afternoon and most folks are working. Lastly, I don't really have any friends that close that I can call them and they'd sit with me and pat my hand and say "there there dear." I do have a computer though, and I can write this blog post. That will give me the illusion that I'm being heard and that'll get it off my chest.
I've spent the last two days making phone calls all over the place, acting like a competent person, urging people to do things. Firstly, our immigration lawyer informs me that we've been turned down twice now for a work permit. We discuss it, and conclude that getting letters of reference from former employers might break them down finally. That's one problem I've been working on, tracking down american companies Dan's worked for and urging the supervisor he knew to fax us a letter of recommendation or such. Nothing came in last night, nor this morning, so today I had to phone them all again and leave messages reminding them. I also wrote a letter to some MPs in hopes that one of them might be moved to do a little ass-kicking, though there's no reason they should care about our problem more than anyone else's.
Secondly, Dan's thrown out his back. He's in a lot of pain. I spent an hour massaging it at 4am because the pain woke him up. I woke up to pee and saw him suffering there. The massaging didn't do much besides comfort him. So today I'm trying to get him treated by a chiropractor. We waste a couple hours and forty bucks on one guy who sends him for X-rays we can't afford. I waste more time phoning around trying to find out how much they are (too much) and if the Dr. can work without them. After a few hours waiting for him to get back to me I lose patience and book someone else, making sure this time that they understand that we simply cannot afford $250 xrays. Around here nobody really understands the idea of someone not having medical insurance. It confuses them when I tell them. They need me to explain in detail where he's from and why being married to me isn't enough to get him coverage. I am annoyed at having to do that because it's really none of their business. It's enough that he hasn't got insurance! So sure enough right after I've called the first office to cancel his follow-up appointment the Dr. finally gets back to me. He's naturally not happy that we're going elsewhere. I'm on the spot. Feeling awfully uncomfortable trying to be polite and not tell him that I think his office isn't enough on the ball and we aren't in a patient state of mind, while he's trying to assure me he's doing the best for Dan, cares about his pain, etc. That was what knocked me over. It was so hard to deal with. Basically I was firing someone, you know? On flimsy grounds. I know I've been unfair but of course I don't want to make the call to cancel the other doctor now either. I just want my husband to get treated! Besides, the other clinic has several practitioners and also offers massage and acupuncture. What's more, I think it's the one Dan's coworker was recommending. It's got the right name.
I'm using my cell phone for most of these calls, the local ones, as well as calling dan repeatedly, and my minutes are limited. People are putting me on hold. Why I'm doing that is because I want to keep the home phone open to recieve faxes! Finally, and this is just the last straw, we're out of money again and waiting for payments again. Dan's working slower than ever with his back pain and the job he did get completed this week isn't paying him. They were supposed to get their asses in to the store and leave a cheque for him on Wednesday and the fucking asshole salesman in charge of the job isn't doing anything to assist, just saying the guy wasn't in. Not phoning to follow up. Not concerned at all. meantime we're almost out of fresh food, dog food, rabbit hay, and out of rabbit litter. We need to go grocery shopping and pet food shopping and pay these chiropractor bills and keep Dan's truck fuelled.
Oh, and of course the tension at home with the new parrot still not harmonizing in the household isn't helping. I'm so tired. I just want some good news. I just want to vent. Why do people not understand the simple need to tell someone about your troubles? Why is it such a burden to hear? I tell you, just listening to someone complain, saying you hear them and you're sorry and you wish you could do something and yes, it's tough some days. That's a gift. Give it to someone today, ok? If we all do this for each other, we'll all be a bit happier.
If I cant cheer up soon I'll have to tell Dan I watched a sad movie. I don't want to add guilt over my tears to his burdens. His poor back carries enough weight already.
Oh, my car is still at Ray's for work. Looks like I won't see it before Sunday and we're going to have to put Ray off for payment if we don't see some income soon.