December 2005

funny line

Watching a movie and there's a point where one woman turns to the other and says "Men, can't live with them and you can't--" the other looks at her, she says "that's it." The other nods. I thought of "Men, you can't live with 'em, and you can't ger rid of 'em." Hehehe Personally I prefer the company of men, they're simpler and lousy liars.

8 hour pills

What is it with these drug manufacturers? They make these pills that have to be taken with food every eight hours which is sick person is going to take. How am I suppose the eat a meal every eight hours? I sleep eight hours. This means that I have to eat something right before bed in and immediately upon awakening, assuming I do not over sleep. I cannot do that. When I get up I need to sit for at least a half-hour. Then cooking breakfast takes me even longer class I have to mix the rabbit antibiotics and feed the birds and bunnies and wash the dishes. All this work is tiring enough when I am not sick. So I'm taking antibiotics to prevent pneumonia and I will do my best to take them properly but the manufacturer of this drug should either design it with a stomach buffer or a 12 hour release. I hate sleeping sitting up. It will be nice when my lungs calm down.

new christmas anti-carol

Yes I know it's Christmas and I don't really care, because I'm not a christian so Christmas isn't there. It is not pathetic that I don't celebrate this mixed-up festival that so many seem to hate.
{Yes I am not a Christian, I don't celebrate Christmas and if you do not like it then you can kiss my ass!}
There are billions of others who feel the way I do. Our faithful sisters and brothers don't feel sorry for you. So come and join our solstice, Kwaanza or Ramadan and lets enjoy diversity in harmony if we can! {Chorus}

Polar Express

I just want to share with you all that Polar Express is a wonderful movie worth renting/buying.  It's got astounding computer animation of a quality not seen elsewhere yet.  The characters are really fun including a kid with a fascination for facts, figures, and trains.  The story is atypical and not that predictable and the scenes are sweeping, beautiful and exciting. Good movie to watch while nursing a cold. My first cold, in fact, in over 5 years. I am still amazed that my garlic didn't work this time! Pity. Oh well. I don't really mind being sick, I guess. I should mind a lot more than I do, but somehow I feel content. Probably because it's the world's best excuse for being lazy, sitting around snuggled in blankets on the hideabed, watching movies and doing nearly nothing useful! Yep, that's why I don't mind being sick!

voice dictation is fun!

Well I finally started getting serious about using the voice dictation software I set up. Sometimes it's tedious other times its fun. The fun part is when I'm fooling around and let it to say what ever it wants. One annoyance is that it doesn't capitalise things properly, I have to go back and fix all the sentences. After this I am going to just start talking real facefast and see what comes up with, thats the fun part. I wonder how fast I can chart before it loses tracks were in saying I wonder of its funny you read this word has just look like something you all other random tax generator apart tape thing like what the pudding e-mail .dispose? A marginal movie called intolerable cruelty in its Canada drag because of Sena before its anomaly that thou much fun to see a second time around it's not like a lot of like crazy, and now the secret that surprise ending is gone .soul that kind takes a lot of fun of it quite OK that's enough so there you go some babbling.

Goodbye batteries lights frustration

So the lights arrived without instructions but the instructions are on the web.  Not great instructions but theoretically it's a simple installation.  Pop off the axel nut, pop in the light, pop the nut back on, right?
So the front was minimal frustration, some difficulty centering the wheel as usual.  The rear, however, was a total night mare.
Firstly the bike frame springs open wider than the axel and I find myself having to sit on the chainstays with the bike on it's side to force them back together so the axel is proud of the dropouts.  I fit the light over it, but the light doesn't quite fit around the bolt.  So I applied force via a rubber mallet and a screw driver.  After many futile taps I realize this isn't good for the threaded bolt.  I take the light off and go downstairs and put it in a vice. 
Now I'm a homeowner with some tools.  I can put up a new wall, change and/or install light switches, outlets, fixtures.  I can change a washer on a tap or replace the parts in a toilet.  I can clean my spark plugs, change my oil and filter, other assorted mechanical things.  So I'm more mechanically apt than many.  But I have shown time and again that bicycle mechanics aren't my thing.  However I've been told by several people and the goodbye batteries lights website that I can do this, anyone can, all they need is a spanner (wrench).  I have a socket set, that oughtta do the trick.
I am, however, most definitely an amateur.  I don't have the experience to realize I'm damaging threads on a bolt.  I don't have metal files either to enlarge a bolt hole.  I did have a round wood file I never use and pounded that through the hole to enlarge it.  Trip back upstairs to the bike, squat on the chainstays, feet aching, and force the slightly enlarged light over the bolt.  Put on the nut and start tightening.  Ok.
Now of course comes the nightmare part where I try to center the wheel.  An hour later I finally realize the nut isn't popping off because it magically changes direction when I'm not looking (remember I'm using a ratchetting screwdriver so I'm not turning it one way then the other).  Well, how about that?  It looks fine but indeed is stripped.
So I don't know if they can replace the bolt or have to replace the hub, a $100 touch plus the cost of rebuilding the wheel and then we still have to get that blasted goodbye batteries light.
All this for a stupid little blinky that only serves as a secondary light because it only works when you're in motion? I am not impressed!!!!
This thing should have been designed to fasten on the chainstays like any other device would have been.  I can only presume it was designed for the axel bolt so the company could save money by using less metal and not having to supply nuts and bolts.  It most definitely was not that cheap at $44.32 USD.

honeydew

I got the walks shovelled today. I'm sure we'll get more snow tonight now. It's like washing your car to get rain.
I also got to the hardware store for the steel strapping plumbers use that I wanted to use to install my nifty winged chain guard. Naturally I sat right down and installed it. It was fussy work but not that difficult, just fussy. When I was done I discovered why the bike shop refused. The gear thing on the front is designed for a derailleur and sticks out proud a lot farther than a single crank format. There's also a large guard ring that sticks out even farther. There wasn't enough clearance between this ring and the pedals to allow the pedal arms to run freely. Well of course the solution in this case, since I'm a 3spd hub geared bike and have no reason to use a derailleur, is to remove the ring. It's held on at 6 points by narrow chromed metal. Metal. hack saw.
Well doing it by hand is quiet and safe but I'd never keep at it long enough. One, sure, but six? So I have hacksaw blades for the little jigsaw and it's a little thing, not too scary. I should mention that not only am I a tightly strung panicky sort (although I rarely actually panic due to good self control and being brave), but I am terrified of power tools. I've heard so much in the interests of safety about teeth flying off and embedding them in your head, saws kicking back and eatingfingers, arms, legs, etc., that I am abso-fucking-lutely terrified of them. Using my circular saw, for instance, is a questionable event and I'll usually get someone else to wield it. I have tools, I'm afraid to use them.
So the jigsaw is small enough I'm not too scared but when I started cutting the pedals would move and the saw kept kicking back and I couldn't get the pedals to stay put and every time the saw kicked I got spooked till I was screaming and crying as I tried in vain to cut the metal. I finally got so worked up I just couldn't continue, couldn't see through my tears and was feeling genuinely sorry for the panic I knew I was inducing in my pets with all my screaming. You'd think it was actually hurting me the way I was carrying on and I couldn't help it. The terror won. Yes, fear is a factor for me. :-)
So I thought about what I could do and decided to try calling my neighbor ken. He's a 30 something fellow who's handy and comfy with tools and he just got home. He agreeded to come over and when I showed him the task he said he'd get his grinder, it'd work better. Well god strike me with a meteor if I ever call him stupid again...
I have a grinder so I just fetched that up from the toolroom and held the pedals still while sparks flew all over the porch further frightening me.
I told him that this is why I need a husband, because this kind of thing comes up all the time. he figures that's like "trying to kill a mosquito with a sledgehammer" and I ought to just lean on neighbors and friends! Well if that was the case I might as well marry Ken, LOL. Well love IS a factor but more so, I really do need a mate and partner for all these stupid thing.
He said another friend of his, a woman (why is he single anyway with all these women friends?) says she's looking for her "honeydew" aka Honey, do. Which is kind of a cute term. "honey do this, honey do that" to one's husband. Yes indeed, I do need a honey-do. At any rate the chain removal did work and I'm calming my jangled nerves with Stollen (marzipan raisin bread) and tea.
Ken is going to come along to sunday's pagan potluck because it's at the church where he attends, and also he's invited me to their pagan solstice event Wednesday evening. That'll be fun.
I'm so glad that blasted chain guard is on. I do worry that the weak strapping material I used won't last and it'll get banged around and get caught in things and cause problems. Still, it looks cool and might even do it's job of keeping my pants out of the chain. given how high above the chain it has to sit (crank thingy is still too far out) I doubt it'll actually function. We'll see. Whew. Panic is exhausting.

daytime is nice

I've been able to switch my shift this week.  #1 is that work now is empty in the evenings till middle of January when the next play starts.  #2 is that I inexplicably got tired one night early and then was awoken early that morning unable to go back to sleep.  Next thing you know I"m getting up at sunrise!  So today I had a whole day without errands to run.  I do have to work this evening but all day at home meant I was actually able to catch up on housework.  It's lovely to have a cleaner house and to feel so industrious.
My sister keeps sending me deli boxes of dutch treats.  Cookies and candies and chocolates.... Oh my. 
Another upside of being up is that the parcels get delivered instead of just a note in the box to go get them at the local postal station because I wasn't home to recieve them!

nothing specific

So I'm not posting enough eh? Well geeze man, I'm a busy human! Heh. I've been phoning dan several times a day. Now that he quit drinking he's always available when he's home and it's great. We talk for hours on the phone (I have a package deal). The whole point of this blog was to fill in the need to talk about my day when Dan's alcoholism had him ignoring me for days and weeks at a time.
So Sarah doggy is enrolled in doggy school. We start in the 2nd week of January. I want to try and head over there to the shop a few times to acquaint her with the building and it's noises and smells before she has to cope with strange dogs.
Dan and I are planning his move up here. He's worried the customs won't let him bring his junk here or will flip outwhen they see him moving but I'm pretty sure there's no problem, we just plain tell them straight up that he's moving and applying for immigration. He's allowed to live here up to 6 mos without "permission" anyway so long as he's not taking canadian jobs.
So I'm having to figure out what to do with my various pets. Someone I think I can trust has offered to board my parrot for free. I know the neighbor will take in the canaries and feed the bunnies, and so just need to find someone to take a pair of finch cages, which won't be hard to do, I can think of 2 possible people. So that leaves Sarah and freddy. Freddy can definitely go into the states but I still haven't found out if bringing her back will be an issue. I doubt it and her spay certificate from here ought to seal the issue. Heh, travelling with a rabbit. Novel!
I tell you it's pretty sweet to have Dan sober. He's even nicer than I expected him to be. So much more relaxed. It's also reasonable to plan a trip to bring him home and he's far more tractable about the plans. He always was unwilling to compromise or plan realistically. Now I understand he wasn't ready to quit drinking. I still don't quite get what I said that did the trick but I'm glad anyway. Even if he stumbles I know his intentions are online now

new tv

Oh man, I am loving this MAX tv shows all night long and even pure XXX porn if I'm in a mood to feel like a grownup. I also went to www.zap2it.com and set up custom tv listings so it's easy to see on a nice chart what I can choose from to watch. Pretty cool yep yep

forward motion

Stoopid thing keeps complaining that my password isn't complicated enough. Of course not, I wouldn't be able to remember it!!!! Sheesh, like someone's going to bother hacking my blog? I got TV yesterday! It's called Max and it's a digital tv over DSL with a complicated box that does tuner. FUCKING keyboard man, it won't respond to the space bar unless I punch it really hard with my thumb. (I'm a little drunk after 2 beer, yes) So I signed up for the basic just because not only does 3 local broadcast channels suck ass, but since they switched to digital broadcast signal my TV can't quite tune it in right. Only a couple months after I installed a real tv antenna on the roof too. I had it, can't go through winter without tv. The telco who puts out this tv service has a deal. You get almost everything for 4 months plus some things you shouldn't get for a month at the start including hustler tv.
Well now. I didn't know you could broadcast porn! Not just really risque or offensive but raw pure straight up porn. Looks like a lot of it is amatuer too. Ok, it's just vanilla sex but it's real porn! I can't see keeping it. a: I can get porn free on the net and b: it's vanilla sex and that gets old pretty fast. Right now it's a laugh riot and kind of titillating but it'll get old fast. Sure isn't worth spending $15/mth over. One problem with a multi-channel access like this is I can't figure out what to watch. I can't scan the whole thing in a timely manner and wind up wondering if something 'd really love to watch is playing that I never noticed. I feel like it's important not to miss things now that I finally have choices. Then when I do scan it often results that there's fuck all to watch anyway. You've heard it, hundreds of channels and it's still all shit. Nonetheless it's definitely keeping me entertained. It's a miracle to me to have this variety. I still can't get the universal remote that it comes with programmed to run any of my other devices but eventually I'll put some more patience into it. If I can even replace one or two of the 4 remotes (plus the Max makes 5) it'll be a bit of a victory. Ok, so I could just feed the max to the tv. Easy sneezing and away we go and 2 remotes. But I didn't. Of course not. i'm a tech head. So I have the tv arial coming in to the vcr coax in. Then the coax fromthe vcr goes to the basement tv. the max feeds to the vcr RCA inputs. the VCR RCA outputs go video to tv (cheap 14 inch combo vcr tv with busted vcr) and the audio goes to DVD audio inputs. DVD has RCA to secondary video input on tv.
Computer sound goes through aux inputs on stereo. DVD has it's own speakers, a 5.1 system with woofer and all, hence why I decided the stereo output from the max ought to go to the DVD rather than just piping it out to the mono tv with it's teeny dumb speakers. So I turn on the vcr, the max box, the tv and dvd just to watch tv! Then of course I have to run the stereo for the computer sound because the computer not only makes the noises for alerts and yadda bing bang bull, but also I play my vast 40+gb collection of mp3s on it. Only it's hard to say how often THAT will happen now that I have max. Oh, and the tv coax input now comes always direct fromthe computer's tv-out svideo to the little converter I bought to take svideo to analog. So if I want to use the second desktop feature with my monitor I just switch tv from line in 1 to ch. 3. To watch a dvd, line in 2. confused yet? How about the question of recording a show you just can't stand missing?
Well there's 2 right now, Red Green show on fridays (last season! wail!) and Corner Gas on Mondays (zzoomy new show!). I was really concerned. How do I record these? I can program the vcr but how to get the set-top box to go along? I mean do I plan ahead and put it onthe right channel? It's the tuner now, remember. Ahaha, I hoped they had, and indeed the engineers thought of that. In fact it's hilariously simple. Just set the vcr to record the line-in that the max box uses.
Then the max box, you just click on the show you want in the channel guide and it opens a page with an option to "autotune" or "reminder" so it'll either just pop up a "hey, it's time for this show, wanna watch it?" or it'll switch to that channel for you at the right time! It's unbelievably simple to set up. I can't believe that none of the max users I talked to knew about it. People really are stupid, eh? I forgot to ask if it'll turn itself on too but I think not. I think you'd have to leave it on all the time. I guess there's no problem with that. Only thing, all these goddamn electronics must be sucking back the electricity like great dane puppies on the teat. I dunno the ultimate solution to THAT. for now I'm wired and happy. Geeze, 9am and still awake... Dan is such a sweety. I finally found the words to say and had a serious talk with him. Explained about how his drinking and procrastinating could result in my death from despair. I don't know how realistic that is but lets face it, it's not unrealistic. I don't have that much of a reason to live these days unless I feel like I have a future. Well I did that 3 days ago (3.5?) and he's been sober since and insists he's going to straighten up and stay sober now and that he can because he understands it's important and he values me and our love enough to be serious. Ok! Yes I know that alkies usually fuck up over and over. I accept that it might not be all better now. Still, he's actually dialoging and agreeing and trying. that alone is an incredible victory! Ok, pray with me. Hey, he was dry for over a decade, I checked with his mom and it's true. Ergo, he's done it before, ergo he can do it. He is currently making an effort. He knows he can't hide from me anymore. So the odds are good. I've cheered up, therefor, dramatically. I'm running around singing and even starting to think about what sort of jobs I could apply for. I found out that the qualifications I would need to run the HVAC system in the new theatre, which is likely what the new custodian position would require, means 2 years at tech school full time including apprentice placement.
Ain't gonna happen although I'll try and make it happen. I only have another 18 mos and that's assuming I was accepted and got in as of january. ain't gonna happen. Still the discussion made me realize that 8 years cumulative hours actually has value and currency in trying to get retraining/upgrading. So I'm going to check out the financing and education options available and find out what the govt might be willing to do to help this disabled middle aged woman reach a bit farther. I've proven something by staying in an underpaid but responsible postion for 8 years. Well damn, now my wrist really aches. By the time I get training my carpal tunnel is gonna disable me from all the trades that my asperger's doesn't Fuck eh?

more whining

I really oughtta write in here more often I sometimes think. Then I think, well, what for? I mean if I have something worth writing into a blog, I write. If not, why the hell should I just to keep it current? It's not like anyone reads it, right? Or well, someone did recently, I actually have a comment! LOL. At any rate the point of this blog had a lot more to do with venting the conversation Dan didn't hear when he would be silent for days or weeks at a time. Since getting a long distance package that lets us talk all we want I call him every day.
Sometimes it's tricky to get to him early enough to speak to him sober but other days he'll actually abstain and we'll have a lovely evening. I sure do resent this though. I don't know when the resentment will be resolved. I resent that a sober day has to be treated like a gift or an accomplishment. I resent that I have to try and time myself based on his addiction. I resent that he's going to come here and bring it with him. What's more he's very likely to not actually quit when he arrives, for all he thinks it'll be easy to drop it. Instead he'll probably drag home beer and if I try to protest, shout me down and tell me he's a grownup and he can damn well have a fucking beer if he damn well pleases. Why do I not run away? Well, number one,I really don't think he can get here unless he quits first. Drinking uses up all his spare time and energy. Number two, even an alcohol abuser is better than what I had when I met him. The men who've hit on me in the last ten years or so are even scarier than Dan. At least he's fit and works for a living. The next one over is a drunk or pothead with a pot belly who can't keep a steady job. THATs my alternative! Thirdly, he sends me money. He knows instinctively that he can buy a lot of patience that way. I'm nearly ten grand in debt and the minimum payments alone would use up all my funds after fixed expenses. Without Dan sending me money I will have to default on the credit card, cancel the phone and internet, take the car off the road and surrender most of my pets to the shelters. Not a pretty prospect. So, you can see there are compelling reasons to stay engaged to this man even though he's drunk more than he's sober. ~sigh~ but I do resent it, yes I do. So there you have it, is it better if the blog goes long weeks without entries or if it's filled with petty selfish whining? Speaking of whining, I can do this whining here which I cannot do anywhere else.
I have a nasty pain in my belly that won't go away. It isn't as strong as it was. It started last week, about 3 days before my moontime. When the moontime got going the belly pain ramped up and persisted, intermittently for the duration. On Friday, coinciding with the peak of my moontime, it was actually disabling. It would spike and I had to lay around moaning. So now I'm "clean" again and yet it still hurts.
Mildly mind you. Sometimes I give out an annoyed "ow!" but mostly it's just a dull sore spot. I'm worried because this is NOT normal. I wonder, is it nothing? Is it something? Will it get worse? Will it go away? I think of it. If I took it to the doctor I would most definitely have to let the doctor access my crotch. No fucking way. No fucking speculums spreading me wide for qtip swabs. No fucking cameras on tubes up my ass. Nobody is going to be messing with my genitals unless they get me good and turned on first with soft lighting and a at least a massage!
what's more, so long as I'm Dan's fiancee, nobody else is allowed to do that. Then I think, what if it's cancer (which is what they'd be looking for when they raped me with their instruments)? Well that cheers me up actually in a morbid sort of way. If you ignore cancer as long as you possibly can it gets a strong foothold and then when you can't ignore it anymore it's well advanced and you're guaranteed a fairly swift, if unpleasant and messy, death. One which nobody can blame on you and you can't chicken out of it. So I want to whine about this ache in my belly. It hurts and it distracts me and it won't go away and I know it's a bad thing but I can't tell anyone or go do anything about it. I hope it kills me though. I really do want to die.
I don't want to leave my rabbits homeless but neither do I want to face my future. It looks really shitty. If I had known as a suicidal loser teenager that I'd be for sure a suicidal loser middle aged bitch getting fatter and lonelier I would have made a much better effort to kill myself. But in the depths of my self I really believed that the world was an open book. That by this age I'd be famous and loved. Not necessarily world famous or rich, but a writer or musicion earning a living by my craft. I used to believe it likely my name would be on someone's marquee for something. I'm 42 years old and I have contributed nothing to my world that anyone else couldn't and isn't contributing. Nothing that is valued or needed. All I do is take up space and welfare dollars. and whine. Lots of god-awful whining.
It's the only way I know how to relate. Talk about myself. And what I have to say is all negative because my perception is so negative. I'm so goddamn unhappy about it all I can't figure out how to put a nice face on it. I wish I knew how to get other people talking so I could just shut up and look like a pleasant person. It's either yap like a furby on a whine bender or stand around shifting from foot to foot and asking questions that get muttered answers like "oh you know, same as ever." Damn you all to fucking hell world. Damn all you fucking normals and your smug fucking perfection. I am stuck here on this fucking planet but I am going to laugh my ass off as the terrorists and criminals and toxins and natural disasters and other apocalyptic shit picks you off one by one. I have been laughing. I didn't weep for new orleans till I saw the poor pets you fuckwit pricks abandoned to starvation. How DARE you leave them behind? If you dog has to die then goddamnit you should fucking die right beside him. He would do that for you! Well. Best I don't post when I don't have something worthwhile to say. I just wind up making an ass of myself.